This is the actual story of the Arthurian Legend, complete with warts — WARTS? — it’s got warts, piles, sore feet, incest, mistrust, greed, jealousy, treason, adultery, sex, violence and even football and cricket. This is not the romantic, epic adventure that Hollywood would have us believe. Far from it, this one comes complete with all the sex, violence, greed and mistrust that have traditionally made the British people the loveable race they are. This is the story of the formative years of the country that would create the biggest headache, sorry empire, and become the biggest pest the world has ever seen. You’ll thrill, you’ll marvel, you’ll grip the edge of your seat, you’ll swallow vallium by the bucketload, and then after all that you could always sit down to read this book. All the usual characters are there, but the more unusual ones far outnumber them. If you’re looking for the actual, approved, unabridged, historically accurate and attested by historians saga of the Arthurian Times, then you might just as well read this version as any other — ‘cos they don’t know any better than I do, but my version’s funnier, and quite possibly more likely to be true to life. So, for the first time, we proudly present, the one and only, never to be repeated (not yet, anyway) story, of one of the greatest epics ever to see the light of day. It is a story that has no ending, and no beginning, but it don’t half ramble about a lot in the middle. This is the second instalment in the ongoing, user-friendly saga of the Schkrapmerchants and their incessant meddling in the affairs of Man.